I had to buy a bag of sugar today. I needed a couple teaspoons for a marinade and realized I was nearly out. This is normally no big deal, but when I opened the canister, I realized I’d been almost out of sugar for almost a month and a half. I’ve used so little sugar lately that I never put it on the grocery list.
Thursday’s my grocery day and as I unpacked my bags today, I couldn’t help but notice how that bag of sugar stuck out like the proverbial sore thumb on my kitchen counter. It was surrounded by a beautiful package of rib eyes (ready to be made into Primal Philly cheese steaks, without the rolls), two gorgeous salmon fillets, broccoli, spinach, two bags of apples, four cans of tuna, a can of coconut milk, turkey burgers, limes, tomatoes, eggs, cottage cheese, red grapes, bananas, mangoes, and avocados. I hardly do any shopping in the middle of the store any more. Except for a few cans of tuna and the occasional can of tomatoes or some lunch box snacks for my kids, I pretty much stick to the produce, meat, and dairy departments. It costs a little more, but it’s been well worth it.
I stared at that sugar for a long time, purposely putting away everything else around it. I don’t know what it was, but as a writer, I know when motivation strikes. When it’s time to write, it’s time to write. I have other projects I need to tend to today, but I put them off so I could sit down and write this. I know I’m not the first to feel this way, but this is what I felt I needed to write today.
I’m sorry to have to tell you this, but after all these years, things just aren’t working out between us. I know it’s hard to hear, but let’s just be honest before more damage is done. I used to turn to you in my times of distress, look for your comfort and acceptance to help me feel better. But over time I couldn’t help but think that you just weren’t that into me. And I eventually realized that what I thought was so wonderful and special was actually toxic.
Hurting me so much inside, but making me come back for more and more.
Everything about our relationship was a lie. Fortunately, I finally wised up to the fact that I was seeking your comfort to help ease the pain that you had caused me, and continuing a vicious cycle. You don’t care about me, Sugar. If you did, you would’ve treated me better. You wouldn’t try to disguise yourself with slick packaging, tricking me into thinking that you’ve changed your ways, but still remaining the same health hazard you’ve always been.
Here’s the thing, Sugar. I’m tired of being hurt, tired of feeling hopeful only to be let down, tired of feeling like a failure when it wasn’t my fault. I relied on you too long, when I should’ve relied on myself.
I deserve better.
So I’m done with you. It’s time to move on and give myself the happier, more fulfilling life that I know is waiting for me. Of course, we’ll still make nice at special occasions, like birthday parties, holidays, and such. I can keep a respectable distance and behave myself without having to cause a scene. Of course, I will expect you to do the same. But for once, I’m going to put my needs first, and save myself. I know now that you’re not going to help me. But I’ll be damned if I let you keep hurting me.
It’s not me, Sugar. It’s you.